stupid cat

Cold wet pussy

2 weeks ago I found myself racing home through the rain with a wet and hungry pussy in desperate need of attention!

You see it all began on a cold autumn’s eve, I was to perform at the University of Western Cape for the International Day against Homophobia (IDAHO). Where, upon my arrival, walked smack bang into that ol’ sweater, you know, that someone you hadn’t worn or slept in, in almost a year. That SOMEONE who tried to drag you down to the very bottom of the laundry pile. Anyhoo a ‘Hi’ was all I had time to exchange and hastened to my show. I performed a song I’d just written that week, actually, around an effiminate boy having a honest to God conversation with his folks a- but I digress, dont I…..It’s the pussy you wanna know about right?

Well, after performing ‘Human Being’, my current single (there’s a link in the lower right sidebar. Click it) I rushed off to another function I was attending. Fast-forwarding, I was having a cigarette outside when something brushed past my leg, something white, blue eyed and wet. Now ususally that sort of malarchy happens to me on a night out in the Village but not so this time. Poor kitty! He looked so sad and abandoned my heart thawed (I swear it’s the first time I’ve ever said that). Quickly, I grabbed my things and raced home with my new furry accessory.

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Technically I stole kitty but hey, Jave’s was extAtic and I was smelling of damp pussy. And by that token we took to the task of naming our newly aquired play thing and in typical flambouyant fashion, opened the closet. From Alexis Carrington to Lois Lane, from Prada to Dolce, Bolero to Stilleto, Fluffy, Buffy, William, Frosty. We went through shoes, clothes, friends and the infamous till eventually settling on a name that made absolute sense…..Grrr Von Meow. (Yes, we thought so too). You see, our pussy’s got Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent and because we’re not gender prejudice, we’ve decided that he will be she.

Suffice to say, the furry fiend has been with us ever since. The last cat I owned squatted over my sleeping face and PISSED ALL OVER IT. Needless to say, she made the list. THIS Bitch, however, clawed my scrotum the other morning damn near castrating me. So I’m thinking, If this is my gateway into the realm of parenting should I not be allowed a process of trial and error? When your cat’s turned your exquisitely prepared dinner into carpet paste, SURELY a slight in judgment as one’s arms, of their own accord, flung said feline over balcony would be seen as a tragic yet requisite mistake, nay, a stepping stone on one’s journey to becoming the perfect parent. Because “Mommy had to find more than one way to skin a cat so she could be all you need her to be”

The cat’s deaf by the way. Ya, apparently the blue eyes are indicative of inherent deaf-NESS. Visually impaired too according to studies with a compromised immune system. So between cleaning the spiteful thing’s shit outta the bath tub and hiding the perishables, I could, quite literally, end up with a cat being the cause of its own demise because it neither nor saw nor heard it coming. (Oh this is precious!)

And if nothing else it would add to what my friend Frosty calls my ‘Repertoire of Neglect’. Seriously? Who hasnt lost the odd puppy or misplaced the occasional hamster? WHO HAS NEVER accidentally ran over their own dog with the car? they’re called pets for a reason; Pretty Easy Temporary Solutions ;-) and I have had many [hehehehe]. But please dont think me cruel….It’s my mother you see, the scource of much discontent in my childhood. I witnessed as she rode over my first puppy with her car, I loved Duke. And years later she starved my pet rat to death after I’d “left home”. So you see, the fact that I’ve been exposed to years of animal mistreatment and a mother who had been behind the wheel most of the time has aaaaabsolutely nooooothing to do with my so-called Repertoire of Neglect. I’m perfectly healthy :-)

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